For my shaurya

Dear Shaurya,

Yes thats what i chose to call you by...coz u were my brave boy!

There are many things which I want to say to you, but the one thing I have been wanting to say and have been saying it over and over in my mind and in my conversations to you has been this…I AM SORRY….truly Sorry for not being with you today, sorry for not being able to keep you and your sis in my womb for a few more weeks, sorry for not being able to fight hard enough to give you the life you truly deserved. A life full of laughter and happiness….a life with me and all the people who love you and would have grown to love you, a life full of mischief and sharing and caring with ur sister..Shaurya...u were a brave boy...and as i saw you covered with the tubes in the NICU, with your tiny fist curled around my little finger, i felt as if i was letting you down...something i will never be able to forgive myself for....Whenever I think of this day 2 years ago, all that stares at me is your face from the clouds as I looked out of the window before leaving for the hospital. At that moment something in me told me…my baby was leaving me and going to the one person who would know how to care of him. As they say a mother always knows….i knew you were saying your goodbye to me and didn’t want to leave without me having a glimpse of your sweet face…And true enough, the docs confirmed to me the time of your moving into another world as that exact moment. They didn’t let me see your face at the hospital later and all I have with me is that angelic smile through the clouds…


To tell you the truth, I didn’t even let myself grieve for you, coz I had to fight for your sister and knew that tears would weaken me. I would console myself that you were better off with someone who would love you and take care of you, since I wasn’t able to do that but….the but never stopped… Sometimes I envy your sis, coz she atleast got to know you and spend sometime with you in my womb…and I think of how you two together would have been a riot….you would have got bullied by your sis and would have run into my arms (am sure you would be a mammas boy). I am left teary-eyed when my thoughts turn to how you would have looked like, whether you have had my straight hair or my eyes…. I know I sound selfish with everything about you being like me…but then I cant help feel that you would have been a carbon copy of me, just like your sis is of your dad...i often think of what life would have been like if god would have trusted me to take care of you..But ofcourse now i will never know...

Manytimes I see you in your sister, who most say is as boyish as a boy and as girlish as a girl...a perfect yin and yan...nd then i know, you left somepart of you in her..and through her, i feel you, see you and shower you with all the love i have to give and more. I miss you my brave boy...and I love you!