Become who you are.....

Its easier said than done...letting go, knowing when to let go, stop fighting who you were and become who you are....Read these lines from Paul Coelho's The Zahir and found them so practical though a tad too difficult!

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."

For my shaurya

Dear Shaurya,

Yes thats what i chose to call you by...coz u were my brave boy!

There are many things which I want to say to you, but the one thing I have been wanting to say and have been saying it over and over in my mind and in my conversations to you has been this…I AM SORRY….truly Sorry for not being with you today, sorry for not being able to keep you and your sis in my womb for a few more weeks, sorry for not being able to fight hard enough to give you the life you truly deserved. A life full of laughter and happiness….a life with me and all the people who love you and would have grown to love you, a life full of mischief and sharing and caring with ur sister..Shaurya...u were a brave boy...and as i saw you covered with the tubes in the NICU, with your tiny fist curled around my little finger, i felt as if i was letting you down...something i will never be able to forgive myself for....Whenever I think of this day 2 years ago, all that stares at me is your face from the clouds as I looked out of the window before leaving for the hospital. At that moment something in me told me…my baby was leaving me and going to the one person who would know how to care of him. As they say a mother always knows….i knew you were saying your goodbye to me and didn’t want to leave without me having a glimpse of your sweet face…And true enough, the docs confirmed to me the time of your moving into another world as that exact moment. They didn’t let me see your face at the hospital later and all I have with me is that angelic smile through the clouds…


To tell you the truth, I didn’t even let myself grieve for you, coz I had to fight for your sister and knew that tears would weaken me. I would console myself that you were better off with someone who would love you and take care of you, since I wasn’t able to do that but….the but never stopped… Sometimes I envy your sis, coz she atleast got to know you and spend sometime with you in my womb…and I think of how you two together would have been a riot….you would have got bullied by your sis and would have run into my arms (am sure you would be a mammas boy). I am left teary-eyed when my thoughts turn to how you would have looked like, whether you have had my straight hair or my eyes…. I know I sound selfish with everything about you being like me…but then I cant help feel that you would have been a carbon copy of me, just like your sis is of your dad...i often think of what life would have been like if god would have trusted me to take care of you..But ofcourse now i will never know...

Manytimes I see you in your sister, who most say is as boyish as a boy and as girlish as a girl...a perfect yin and yan...nd then i know, you left somepart of you in her..and through her, i feel you, see you and shower you with all the love i have to give and more. I miss you my brave boy...and I love you!

As we turn two.....

My dearest LilP…

Happy Birthday to you my sweetheart as you turn two today…two glorious years which seem to have just flown by…As I sit down to write this to you today…I am lost..lost in thought of that day when you rushed into this world…of those warm cheeks which touched my tear streaked face in the OT, the loud wail (yes your voice was no match for your size even then) and the long wait of over a day before they would allow me to go and see you in the NICU…The wrinkled, tiny baby with tubes all over was my first proper memory of you… you were so frail that I was scared to touch you even…I felt so guilty for putting you in that situation when you should have been safe and sound with me…and then I lightly touched your forehead and whispered that you were not alone and mumma was with you, always was and always will be….and that we were going to make it home healthy and strong.

The next 2 months were agonizing with you battling all the possible complications of prematurity…name it and you had it..and fought it…There were times when I would lock myself in the nursing room and cry…there I was emptying the expressed milk bottle in the sink, while you lay in the warmer deprived (you were only on TPN for those 2 whole months)…new babies came and went home to their family while you embraced the NICU family as your first family…You were known as the heroine of the NICU, with your aggressive streak and loud voice….which had everyone there on their toes…you were the nurses favourite and they would come asking for you even after you were shifted out of the NICU to my room….I still remember the day you were shifted out of the NICU, the nurses there made a ceremony out of it…fighting with each other for who would have the privilege of dressing you up in the cute preemie jumper, to who would carry you out, to who would prepare your cradle in the room….I will be eternally grateful to them….As you doctor said when we left the hospital with a smile on our face….your daughter is a fighter and so are you…I guess your desire to be with me was as strong if not stronger than my desire to be with you…and not to forget the good wishes and prayers of not only family and friends but those numerous doctors, nurses, technicians, who flocked to bid us farewell from the hospital. You were quite the STAR there !!

Cut to now….and you have become a bigger STAR…sometimes I wonder how much you have grown….if the first year meant trying times, battling health issues, weight gains, strict feeding schedules, restricted access to outsiders, midnight dashes to the hospital and much more, the second year was all fun….Its been fun watching you grow…from a crawler, to a walker, to a butt swinging runner… And how you’ve changed.

From the time I had to sing and dance in front of you every three hours just so that you would be distracted enough to finish the bottle of milk, to now when you drag me into the kitchen and point to the tin containing exactly what you want to eat. My heart surges with pride when you insist on eating yourself with a “paet” (plate) and “spoo” (spoon) or break the “chepatee”(chapati)into tiny pieces with your baby fingers, dip them in “baaji” (bhaji) and stuff it in your mouth…or when you polish of a “bannanna” peeling it with your own hands

From the time I would keep a colourful newspaper sheet over your playgym, just to keep you occupied looking at the pictures, to now your preference of one book over the other, expertly rattling of the names of animals, fruits, etc…to carrying your “buk” everywhere you go, tucked in the crook of your arm, we’ve come a long way baby.

From the time I would have serious paranoia regarding your hearing abilities and the numerous screenings we did, to now when your ears perk up at the slightest sound of the “ooto” (auto) and you know mummas home from work, or when a faint whistle from your dad is enough to stop you in your tracks and look searchingly out of the window going “puppa…puppa”

From the time, I would pick you in my arms and dance to music or sing silly songs to you, to now…when you are perpetually humming tunes and singing those same silly songs….with your own interpretations of the lyrics ofcourse…and not to mention the killer dance moves you seem to have perfected.

From the time every toy I bought with my own hidden educational agenda, found its way into your mouth to the ease with which you solve puzzles in a jiffy or stack the blocks innovatively, or sort shapes perfectly…its been a ride of pure pleasure. Infact sometimes you’ve put me to shame when you’ve figured how to make a particular toy work, while momsy was reading the literature trying to get the directions to do so…

It has been a journey…exhausting but exhilarating…. annoying but amazing…tiring but thrilling….frustrating but fascinating…

You rock my world baby…with your perfections and imperfections. What imperfections,..you ask? Well,…your temper for one :) You of the volatile temper and stubborn nature… Stay the same sweetheart..I know you are growing up fast but you'll always be my little baby. You are getting closer to your Pappa now, but I'll always know you more - just a tad more, for those seven months, when you were just mine-for all to know but only for me to feel.

And today, all that this mothers heart feels is gratitude for you for filling my life with so much joy…thank you my lilP and may you always be happy and healthy..

God Bless You
Momsy