Become who you are.....

Its easier said than done...letting go, knowing when to let go, stop fighting who you were and become who you are....Read these lines from Paul Coelho's The Zahir and found them so practical though a tad too difficult!

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."

For my shaurya

Dear Shaurya,

Yes thats what i chose to call you by...coz u were my brave boy!

There are many things which I want to say to you, but the one thing I have been wanting to say and have been saying it over and over in my mind and in my conversations to you has been this…I AM SORRY….truly Sorry for not being with you today, sorry for not being able to keep you and your sis in my womb for a few more weeks, sorry for not being able to fight hard enough to give you the life you truly deserved. A life full of laughter and happiness….a life with me and all the people who love you and would have grown to love you, a life full of mischief and sharing and caring with ur sister..Shaurya...u were a brave boy...and as i saw you covered with the tubes in the NICU, with your tiny fist curled around my little finger, i felt as if i was letting you down...something i will never be able to forgive myself for....Whenever I think of this day 2 years ago, all that stares at me is your face from the clouds as I looked out of the window before leaving for the hospital. At that moment something in me told me…my baby was leaving me and going to the one person who would know how to care of him. As they say a mother always knows….i knew you were saying your goodbye to me and didn’t want to leave without me having a glimpse of your sweet face…And true enough, the docs confirmed to me the time of your moving into another world as that exact moment. They didn’t let me see your face at the hospital later and all I have with me is that angelic smile through the clouds…


To tell you the truth, I didn’t even let myself grieve for you, coz I had to fight for your sister and knew that tears would weaken me. I would console myself that you were better off with someone who would love you and take care of you, since I wasn’t able to do that but….the but never stopped… Sometimes I envy your sis, coz she atleast got to know you and spend sometime with you in my womb…and I think of how you two together would have been a riot….you would have got bullied by your sis and would have run into my arms (am sure you would be a mammas boy). I am left teary-eyed when my thoughts turn to how you would have looked like, whether you have had my straight hair or my eyes…. I know I sound selfish with everything about you being like me…but then I cant help feel that you would have been a carbon copy of me, just like your sis is of your dad...i often think of what life would have been like if god would have trusted me to take care of you..But ofcourse now i will never know...

Manytimes I see you in your sister, who most say is as boyish as a boy and as girlish as a girl...a perfect yin and yan...nd then i know, you left somepart of you in her..and through her, i feel you, see you and shower you with all the love i have to give and more. I miss you my brave boy...and I love you!

As we turn two.....

My dearest LilP…

Happy Birthday to you my sweetheart as you turn two today…two glorious years which seem to have just flown by…As I sit down to write this to you today…I am lost..lost in thought of that day when you rushed into this world…of those warm cheeks which touched my tear streaked face in the OT, the loud wail (yes your voice was no match for your size even then) and the long wait of over a day before they would allow me to go and see you in the NICU…The wrinkled, tiny baby with tubes all over was my first proper memory of you… you were so frail that I was scared to touch you even…I felt so guilty for putting you in that situation when you should have been safe and sound with me…and then I lightly touched your forehead and whispered that you were not alone and mumma was with you, always was and always will be….and that we were going to make it home healthy and strong.

The next 2 months were agonizing with you battling all the possible complications of prematurity…name it and you had it..and fought it…There were times when I would lock myself in the nursing room and cry…there I was emptying the expressed milk bottle in the sink, while you lay in the warmer deprived (you were only on TPN for those 2 whole months)…new babies came and went home to their family while you embraced the NICU family as your first family…You were known as the heroine of the NICU, with your aggressive streak and loud voice….which had everyone there on their toes…you were the nurses favourite and they would come asking for you even after you were shifted out of the NICU to my room….I still remember the day you were shifted out of the NICU, the nurses there made a ceremony out of it…fighting with each other for who would have the privilege of dressing you up in the cute preemie jumper, to who would carry you out, to who would prepare your cradle in the room….I will be eternally grateful to them….As you doctor said when we left the hospital with a smile on our face….your daughter is a fighter and so are you…I guess your desire to be with me was as strong if not stronger than my desire to be with you…and not to forget the good wishes and prayers of not only family and friends but those numerous doctors, nurses, technicians, who flocked to bid us farewell from the hospital. You were quite the STAR there !!

Cut to now….and you have become a bigger STAR…sometimes I wonder how much you have grown….if the first year meant trying times, battling health issues, weight gains, strict feeding schedules, restricted access to outsiders, midnight dashes to the hospital and much more, the second year was all fun….Its been fun watching you grow…from a crawler, to a walker, to a butt swinging runner… And how you’ve changed.

From the time I had to sing and dance in front of you every three hours just so that you would be distracted enough to finish the bottle of milk, to now when you drag me into the kitchen and point to the tin containing exactly what you want to eat. My heart surges with pride when you insist on eating yourself with a “paet” (plate) and “spoo” (spoon) or break the “chepatee”(chapati)into tiny pieces with your baby fingers, dip them in “baaji” (bhaji) and stuff it in your mouth…or when you polish of a “bannanna” peeling it with your own hands

From the time I would keep a colourful newspaper sheet over your playgym, just to keep you occupied looking at the pictures, to now your preference of one book over the other, expertly rattling of the names of animals, fruits, etc…to carrying your “buk” everywhere you go, tucked in the crook of your arm, we’ve come a long way baby.

From the time I would have serious paranoia regarding your hearing abilities and the numerous screenings we did, to now when your ears perk up at the slightest sound of the “ooto” (auto) and you know mummas home from work, or when a faint whistle from your dad is enough to stop you in your tracks and look searchingly out of the window going “puppa…puppa”

From the time, I would pick you in my arms and dance to music or sing silly songs to you, to now…when you are perpetually humming tunes and singing those same silly songs….with your own interpretations of the lyrics ofcourse…and not to mention the killer dance moves you seem to have perfected.

From the time every toy I bought with my own hidden educational agenda, found its way into your mouth to the ease with which you solve puzzles in a jiffy or stack the blocks innovatively, or sort shapes perfectly…its been a ride of pure pleasure. Infact sometimes you’ve put me to shame when you’ve figured how to make a particular toy work, while momsy was reading the literature trying to get the directions to do so…

It has been a journey…exhausting but exhilarating…. annoying but amazing…tiring but thrilling….frustrating but fascinating…

You rock my world baby…with your perfections and imperfections. What imperfections,..you ask? Well,…your temper for one :) You of the volatile temper and stubborn nature… Stay the same sweetheart..I know you are growing up fast but you'll always be my little baby. You are getting closer to your Pappa now, but I'll always know you more - just a tad more, for those seven months, when you were just mine-for all to know but only for me to feel.

And today, all that this mothers heart feels is gratitude for you for filling my life with so much joy…thank you my lilP and may you always be happy and healthy..

God Bless You
Momsy

Baby Story part2

The hospitalization continued for a few more days to ascertain that we were going to be fine and then was packed off by the doc, with meds(progesterone supplements, etc etc) and was told to take it easy for a few days….the first question I asked her then was when can I resume work…nd she said I would have to take it easy till she did the USG around 4 -5 weeks and she would then advise…So was advised loads of rest, drinking gallons of water (this was to take care of the hyperstimulation) and very little activity…Was a little crappy and nervous, plus was missing my parents badly (they weren’t expected back from the US for almost 5 months)…then my maasi (bless her) promptly packed her bags and came over to stay with us and took charge of hormonal me, harrowed hubby and home….the blood tests to monitor HCG levels continued every 3-4 days…till we did the USG….doc confirmed that all was well…it was a single pregnancy (ya..they actually use the word single, since there are huge chances of multiples…inspite of having extremely high HCG levels, which as per my own research were a sign of multiple pregnancy)…and that I could go back to work…and generally chill. So all was well….Maasi, on ensuring we would do fine, returned to her home and I got back to work and reading up on what to expect while expecting and more.

Less than 4-5 days of this bliss and one night, I woke up from sleep feeling uncomfortable, a min and I realized the sheets were wet…first thought was had I lost control of my bladder…didn’t know what was happening....a surge of fear engulfed the mind…..shook hubby awake…and asked him to switch the lights and my worst fears were confirmed….the sheets were stained…yes I was bleeding….emergency calls happened to the doc, who advised taking an injection and lying down with feet raised and not moving. Nurse was found in the middle of the night, injection hunted down, nerves were being calmed and a cluttered mind was being asked to rest. Few excruciatingly painful hours later, with no respite, doc asked me to immediately come to the hospital. I was extremely tensed, but put on a brave front and trudged to the hospital. One look at the doc and my composed self crashed and the tears just wouldn’t stop….Some gentle words later, doc did a USG and was shocked to find that I had conceived triplets and one of them was naturally disintegrating and hence the bleeding. I was immediately hospitalized and put on observation. All that I was feeling that time was a huge sense of gratitude that atleast I wasn’t going home empty-handed. And not to mention that my amateur research on HCG levels was not totally off-the-mark.

So another week of hospitalisation, ceasation of bleeding and a USG to confirm 2 healthy heartbeats later, I was home on complete bed rest. Parents flew back leaving my darling neice in the trusting hands of her daycare aunty (something for which I will never forgive myself...that bcoz of me, my neice didnt enjoy some more time with her daada - daadi), injections, medicines, routinue check-ups continued and the feeling of being preganant set in. Initial euphoria gave in to huge mood swings, anxiety, basically making life miserable for all around me...Some coped with it, some didnt. And so the next couple of months were spent with me lying sprawled on the bed staring at the ceiling, looking at the sky from my bedroom window and counting the planes that flew by..At one point I could even guess the airline from the miniscule logo that I could manage to strain my eyes and see...In hindsight it seems hilarious, but those days I would literally count the hours. I mean, ofcourse I was truly happy and all that but to lie confined to a bed day in and day out while the rest of the world would go about their business used to get lonely sometimes...how many books can u read after a point...

Oh yes, most times I would tell myself to enjoy this, coz once my little ones would be out, I would have no time to put my feet up, but to be true to my heart, there used to be those moments of self-doubt when i used to feel if i cud pull it off. To top it, for someone who had wheels on her feet, it was quite difficult getting used to it. Moreover all the images that i had built in my mind of pregnancy..food cravings, cute maternity wear, the pamperings (esp by the spouse)...had just remained that....images and my reality was slightly different...But then no pain no gain...and here I was set for a windfall, in the form of two angels. So it couldnt have been all bad.

There was one thing I was petrified of though and that was labour pains.Just the thought used to freak me out..My doc had told me that I will probably have a early delivery by a couple of weeks and there is a good chance that we go in for a c-sec, since typically for IVF twin pregnancies, they dont want any complications (being difficult and precious pregnancy and all that....ofcourse all babies are precious but thats another story). And to tell you the truth, I was pretty cool about the C-sec, much contrary to what most expectant mothers feel about the dreaded c-sec. I remember talking to a like -mined friend (who was also expecting IVF twins at the same time as me) and telling her that we have nothing to worry on the pain front, coz we would never have to go through hours and hours of labour pains... I guess I forgot never say never...Little did I know what was in store for me and my little ones.

Rock-a-my-baby!

If there is anyone who can truly put things in the right perspective for me, it has to be my lilP. Now, I have never claimed to be gifted with an exceptional voice, but then since the moral police hasnt yet put the clamps on bathroom singing, I am encouraged to give in to the whims of my vocal chords once in a while. Now of all the people, I do expect my daughter to appreciate that, considering all the lullabys, hymns, rhymes that i have belted out for her ....on-demand anytime day or night.

Just the other day, I was trying to coarce lilP to take a nap, obviously the hidden agenda being, I could put my feet up and relax too. But mademoiselle had better plans..so a series of dry runs over the obstacle course (my battered body and a couple of cushions served the purpose) and umpteen attempts at prying my eyes open with her chubby fingers later, I decided to take the tried and tested route of singing her favourite lullabys to put her to sleep...Cuddled her close to me and started humming, saw her slowly relaxing, eyes drooping and was mentally pleased with myself.

Well the joy was shortlived, coz a minute later, lilP opened her eyes wide, looked straight into my eyes and put her fingers in her ears. Shocked out of my wits on comprehending what she was suggesting, I abruptly stopped singing....the little mite sniggered and promptly removed her fingers out of her ears...and blissfully fell asleep. Now...Now...Children truly are a reality check:-)

A baby story- part1

Have been meaning to put this down…even before I considered blogging…Not for posterity or reliving it but because someday I want to share it with my lil one and don’t want age playing tricks on the mind then. Will do it in 2 parts…coz its really really long…..

For a long long time, I felt I wasn’t prepared to be a mother and then when I thought I was ready, destiny wasn’t. As they say man proposes…god disposes…Then started the relentless trips to doc, tests, blah blah…only to be told there was nothing wrong (if you discount having PCOD, since these days the whole world and their neighbors seem to have this)…well then what was…Anyway a couple of IUIs later, was recommended to a very good fertility specialist, who completely won me over with her honest feedback, cheerful disposition and warmth. So we decided to go the IVF way. By then, I had mentally decided that this was going to be my last medical effort…and if god was willing, I would be blessed, else life I guess would go on….

Started on the IVF cycle in August 2006, only to abort it midway due to high sugar levels which would reduce chances, so doc changed course, decided to get sugar levels under control and then restart the IVF cycle. Early December, we began the routine suppression cycle again, followed by stimulating meds and injections, scans etc…everything under control, egg retrieval was scheduled for Jan 6, 2006, which went off well, my lilP was conceptualized that very day….2 days later Jan 8, 2006, we had the embryo transfer done and since we had two good embryos, doc decided to do a second transfer the day after as well to increase our chances. Then began the excruciating wait, hoping, praying for our own miracle..Every little symptom of pregnancy on the internet was searched, read, reviewed…signing off with consolation that it was too early. Meanwhile all the ovarian hyper-stimulation was beginning to show its after effects, with a bloating belly (due to water retention apparently). I was in constant touch with doc who kept assuring me it was ok, but nonetheless telling me to call her if I felt differently.

On Jan 18, middle of a busy workday…I began to feel just that…called the doc, who asked me to see her at once…She had one look at me and asked me to get hospitalized…my face turned pale and instinctively she turned around and said that this was due to hyper-stimulation and that this was only so I would be monitored more carefully, especially since I stayed pretty far(almost 25kms) from the hospital and couldn’t rush there everynow and then. Wasn’t scheduled for the blood work to test HCG levels till Jan 23rd or so and was highly nervous with these turn of events. All that I could do was pray and pray and pray some more. The next day, Jan 19, doc decided there was no harm in testing for HCG, gave the blood sample and waited…tensed, cranky….hubby was out on work and I was sitting in my hospital bed…fidgeting with the TV remote and pushing away the tasteless food, all the while looking at the time and wishing for it to show 2pm (it was around that time, that normally all the bloodwork reports came in), the assistant doc came into my room….asked me how I was feeling…I guessed she had come for her routine check and just shrugged my shoulders …looking at her wistfully…She came close to me, held my hand and said that the results were out. i looked into her eyes questioningly and she said the HCG levels are good….which means u r pregnant….

For what seemed liked ages I am sure…I just didn’t react. So she repeated, as if not sure if I had heard it right. And then something in me gave away…and I just hugged her tight and cried my heart out……yes…somewhr at the back of my mind…I was preparing myself to be disappointed and this news was just so perfect…that I couldn’t hold back the storm…………Then ofcourse…hubby was called (who was more relieved than delighted, I think), parents were woken up (they were visiting my bro in US, so was way past midnight thr)…S-i-l was called, a close friend was spoken to and the joy was shared enthusiastically.

my lil wordsmith !!

Yes its official....LilP has taken after her momsy...and has just discovered the use of her vocal chords and every waking moment is spent excercising them like there is no tomorrow....When she is not bawling her lungs out for something that she absolutely must have, she is seen talking nineteen to the dozen in a language, most of which none of us follow, but all of us nod away to...lets call it lilPspeak...so whether it is reading her book aloud, or imitating momsy chatting on her mobile...we hear the sweet (and sometimes shrill too) strains of lilPspeak through the day....

In a bid to discourage her loud screams...I tried telling her that if she screams too loudly...then her throat will ache (a.k.a "bu" by lilP)...so everytime she yells, I very patiently ask her...if you shout, where will it ache...and she promptly...touches her throat and says "bu"....and quitens...But just the other day I had to eat my own words.....I was telling her off ina slightly high pitched tone..(Ok...might have been more than slight...but whatever)...and her highness....comes to me and looks straight in my eye, touches my throat and says "mumma bu ne"...Needless to add...it sealed my lips...for a long long time:-)

Heres leaving you with few gems from lilPs mouth!

• Mum-ee : favorite word. favorite person. Meeee!- baba : grandap
• Aa-ee : grandmom
• Puppaa : dad- Doji : dog
• deeeee : give- dada : cousin bro or any random boy
• didi : any random girl- kahka : anybody apart from the two constant men in her life
• Aaajji : grandmoms sister
• Pa-ee : for water
• haaaahh : for too cold/too hot
• Stahh Bite…Stahh Bite : Star bright..Star Light
• Geerouff : Giraffe
• Bay-bee : for Baby- Peeg : for Pig- bowl : for ball
• haathi : for elephant
• pain : pen
• plen : for airoplane
• baeee : for bye
• dudu : most fav milk
• Chi Chi : any dirt, poop and more
• Cum : as in “Come here”
• Bu : any scar, ache or pain
• mum mum : food
• Kaa : car
• Kao : Cow
• Ko : Crow or any bird
• Tee : means tree- gaee or nini : sleeping
• qack qack : quack quack for duck
• Eeya eeya : for the song "old mac donald had a farm....."